And We're The Lawmakers?
by TheGryfter
Summary: A video tape of Josh's vacation in California surfaces. At first, it provides a great source of fun for the rest of the staff, and later, a weapon to be used against Bartlet's White House by the Republican Majority. S3-Script Format.
1. The Tape

**The West Wing**

"**And we're the lawmakers?"**

**.**

**.**

**.**

_**Legend: **__**Monday, 6.00 AM **_

_Camera tracks up Pennsylvania Avenue, past the White House. Thunder cracks overhead as the rain pours down. _

_Cut to: West Wing Foyer_

_Two dress Marines flank the doors, stand idly by as __**Toby Ziegler**__ enters, clutching a dripping newspaper over his head. Shrugging off his ran coat, Toby tries to hand the paper off to the marine. It strikes the man on the jacket and falls to the floor, completely ignored. Toby doesn't even notice. He's too busy ranting: _

**Toby- **I swear, it is the wrath of God out there! The heavens themselves have opened up, and poured their vengeance out over the–

_Toby's cut off, when _**_Sam Seaborne_**_ suddenly "appears" next to him. _

**Sam- **Hey.

_Toby jumps. _

**Toby- **How do you do that?

**Sam- **Do what?

**Toby- **Appear… as if from thin air?

**Sam- **I came from over there.

_He points down the corridor. _

**Toby- **From now on, we call that corridor "thin air".

**Sam- **Fine. Did you see it?

**Toby- **What?

**Sam- **I'm asking if you saw it.

**Toby- **What?

**Sam- **Toby, I'm asking if you saw it.

_Toby stops walking. Sam has to stop too._

**Toby- **Sam, I'm only ten feet in the door….

**Sam- **Passing thin "air"…

**Toby- **And I have no idea what you're talking about?

**Sam- **You didn't see it.

**Toby- **See what?

**Sam- **You're gonna love this.

**Toby- **Are you always this obtuse?

**Sam- **Yeah. But you knew that.

_Sam starts walking again. Toby falls into step beside him. _

**Toby- **Are you going to tell me what you're talking about?

**Sam- **It's better if you see it. Follow me.

**Toby- **I thought I was following you.

**Sam- **You were?

**Toby- **Maybe.

**Sam- **Okay.

**Toby- **Where are we going?

**Sam- **Your office.

**Toby- **My office?

**Sam- **Yeah.

**Toby- **You know I was going there anyway, right?

**Sam- **I thought you were following me.

**Toby- **Sam!

**Sam- **Come on.

_Sam leads Toby through the hallways, past the hectic mess that is the Press Office. As they pass by, the door to _**_CJ Cregg's_**_ office opens, and they slow down to let her catch up. _

**CJ- **Did you see it?

**Toby- **When did we stop saying hello in this building? Seriously, when did it happen?

**CJ- **Hello.

**Toby- **Hello.

**CJ- **Did you see it?

**Toby- **Sam's about to show me whatever _it_ is.

**CJ- **_(To Sam) _He doesn't know?

**Sam- **I have it set up in his office.

**Toby- **How did you get _into_ my office?

**Sam- **It was open.

**CJ- **You're going to love this.

**Toby- **It was not.

**Sam- **Sure it was. How else would I get in?

**Toby- **When we're done with… whatever this is, I'm having a conversation about the security in this building with the National Security Advisor.

**CJ- **I think Nancy McNally's a little busy at the moment…

**Sam- **And how kindly would she take you bothering her, considering _you_ didn't lock your office.

**Toby- **Point taken.

**CJ- **You're really going to love this.

**Toby- **You know how nervous I get when people tell me I'm going to love something, right?

**CJ- **I know.

**Toby- **So?

**CJ- **You're gonna love this!

_They enter the Communications Bullpen. Ginger, Bonnie, and the rest of the staff are already buzzing about, answering phones, typing at keyboards, sending faxes. _

**Ginger- **Morning.

**Bonnie- **Good morning.

**Toby- **You see how well trained they are? They greet someone when they enter a room.

**CJ- **Yes.

**Toby- **I did that.

**Sam- **Toby?

**Toby- **What?

**Sam- **You going to greet them back?

**Toby- **Right. Hello, Bonnie. Hello, Ginger. We'll be in my office watching… something.

**Ginger- **You haven't seen it?

**Toby- **No!

**Ginger- **You're going to love it.

_Toby sighs, shakes his head, goes into his office, followed by Sam and CJ. Toby dumps his briefcase and coat, flops into his chair. Sam grabs a remote control off the desk, t6urns to the television set mounted on the wall. CJ settles on the couch. _

**CJ- **_(To Sam)_ How many times have you seen it?

**Sam- **Including this time?

**CJ- **We haven't seen it yet.

**Sam- **Right.

**CJ- **How many times?

**Sam- **Five.

**CJ- **Five? Including…?

**Toby- **WOULD SOMEBODY PLEASE…!

**Sam- **Right. Here we go…

_He lifts the remote. He lowers the remote. _

**Sam- **Wait. First…

**Toby- **Dear God…

**Sam- **You know Josh has been in California, right?

**Toby- **His vacation? Yes, I know Josh has been in California. I'm the one who convinced Josh to go to California. I had to basically pack his bags and wrestle him onto the plane to get him to go to California.

**CJ- **You had to do that?

**Toby- **I said 'basically'.

**Sam- **Well, apparently there's a _reason_ why Josh never takes a vacation.

**Toby- **He's a Machiavellian control-freak who can't breathe unless it's in the office?

**Sam- **Okay. Another reason…

**Toby- **And that is…?

**Sam- **Josh gets a little… loose… when he's on vacation.

**Toby- **Josh can get loose?

**Sam- **Apparently.

**Toby- **And you have video evidence of this… looseness?

**Sam- **I do.

**CJ- **Pulled from the internet and converted to video.

**Toby- **You can do that now?

**CJ- **Well, I can't. But the guys in Tech can.

**Toby- **Okay, show me the tape.

**Sam- **I feel like it needs more build-up.

**Toby- **It does not need more build-up! Show me the damn tape!

**Sam- **Okay.

_Sam hits play. On screen, a warped, distorted picture appears. The sound is tinny, the lights sometimes streak. It's obviously taken with a cellphone camera. _

**Toby- **What is this?

**Sam- **A bar in Malibu.

**CJ- **A theme bar in Malibu.

**Toby- **There are theme-bars in Malibu?

**Sam- **And the theme here?

**CJ- **Country-Western…

_Back onscreen, the camera wielder approaches a bunch of obviously drunk girls at the bar. They're all wearing cowboy hats. _

**CameraGuy- **You ladies enjoying yourselves?

**Girl 1- **Oh yeah!

**Girl 2- **This place is great!

**CameraGuy- **I know, right!

**Girl 1- **What's with the camera? Is it for dancing guy?

**CameraGuy- **What?

**Girl2- **Did you see the dancing guy?

_The song in the background fades out and _Billy Ray Cyrus's 'Achey-Breakey Heart' _comes on. _

**Girl 2- **Oh my God! He's gonna love this song!

**CameraGuy- **What dancing guy?

**Girl 1- **Over there!

_She points off-screen. The camera swings, revealing the rest of the bar. And there, in a circle of revellers, is _**_Josh Lyman._**

**Toby- **Oh, my God…

**Sam- **Yeah!

_It's not just Josh. It's Josh dancing. It's Josh line-dancing. _

**Toby- **Is he wearing…?

**CJ- **Yeah.

_Josh is wearing a cowboy outfit. Actually, the San Francisco version of a cowboy outfit. The bright blue trim on the waistcoat, the 10-Gallon ha, the tassels and the red cowboy boots. And he's line-dancing to _Achey-Breakey Heart_. The camera moves closer. _

**CameraGuy- **Wait a minute! I recognise him!

_Sam hits pause. He shares a giant, triumphant smile with CJ. They turn to Toby. Toby is gobsmacked, his mouth hanging open._

**Toby- **Did that…?

**Sam- **Yeah.

**Toby- **Did I just see…?

**CJ- **Yeah.

**Toby- **Josh…

**Sam- **Yeah.

**Toby- **Josh was…

**Cj- **Yeah.

**Sam- **So?

**Toby- **What?

**Sam- **Do you love it?

**Toby- **This was on the internet?

**CJ- **Taken two nights ago, and uploaded last night.

**Toby- **I want… I want to…

**Sam- **Yeah?

**Toby- **I want to kiss whoever took that video!

**CJ- **Don't you just?

**Toby- **We should get the NEA to fund him if he ever wants to make a movie!

_Sam and CJ laugh. Toby joins in. Soon, they're cackling like a pack of hyenas. Just when the backslapping and the giggling is starting to get too much, Ginger pops her head round the door. _

**Ginger- **Leo wants to see you.

_No reaction. They're too busy laughing. Ginger has to wait. Eventually: _

**Toby- **Ginger… have you seen this?

**Ginger- **I saw it.

**Toby- **Isn't it the greatest gift God has ever given us?

**Toby- **Ginger?

**Ginger- **Yeah?

**Toby- **Leo wants to see me?

**Ginger- **All of you.

**Sam- **Right now?

**Toby- **Has he seen this?

**CJ- **I don't know. Wouldn't think so.

**Toby- **I really want to be the one to show it to him.

**Sam- **I don't think he's going to be in the mood if we're late.

**Toby- **So let's go…

_Cut to: Leo McGarry's Office. _

_Leo's behind his desk. Margaret's in front of the desk, briefing him. _

**Leo- **Hitchcock?

**Margaret- **Yeah.

**Leo- **Are you serious?

**Margaret- **Yes.

**Leo- **Why are you bringing me this? Why is this ridiculous request getting anywhere near this office?

**Margaret- **It came from a notable.

**Leo- **Who? _(He pauses, then slowly realises) _Nooo….!

**Margaret- **Yeah.

**Leo- **Bill Clinton is a Hitchcock fan?

**Margaret- **Apparently.

**Leo- **And he wants me to meet with the… what again?

**Margaret- **The _Alfred Hitchcock Appreciation Society_.

**Leo- **Because they want to build a statue. Where?

**Margaret- **Here.

**Leo- **My office?

**Margaret- **The Capitol Building,

**Leo- **I'm sure that'll go down well with the Majority Leader.

**Margaret- **Bill probably thinks Hitchcock would've gotten the joke.

**Leo- **He probably would have. Staff it out.

**Margaret- **But…

**Leo- **Staff it out!

**Margaret- **Okay.

**Leo- **_(Mumbles) _And I though _I_ had the crazy president…

**Margaret- **One more thing…

_Knock on door. It opens and Toby, CJ and Sam file in. Toby's carrying the video tape. _

**Margaret- **Staff's here.

**Leo- **_(Wry)_ Yes, thank you, Margaret.

_Margaret nods, and exits. Toby pushes to the front, holding up the tape. _

**Toby- **Leo, if you haven't seen–

**Leo- **Toby?

**Toby- **Yeah?

**Leo- **You think that since I called this meeting, I might have a topic in mind?

**Toby- **Sure. You might.

**Leo- **Now, do you suppose I could get to it?

**Toby- **But this tape…

**Leo- **Unless it's a matter of National Security, I don't care about the tape!

**Sam- **You really should.

**Leo- **You going to start with me now?

**Sam- **Sorry.

**CJ- **You called us?

**Leo- **Yes. The president's asked me to look into something…

**Toby- **The president?

**Leo- **You remember the president, don't you? He's your boss.

**Toby- **Actually, _you're_ my boss. He's your boss.

**Leo- **He's your boss too.

**Toby- **Okay.

**Leo- **It's the energy bill.

**Toby- **Oh, God…

**Leo- **Toby…

**Toby- **Leo! It's locked!

**Leo- **I know.

**Toby- **It's been locked for a week!

**Leo- **I know.

**Toby- **We can't go back and reopen the whole thing now!

**Leo- **You want to step into the Oval Office and tell him that?

_Toby just groans and collapses into a chair, looking like a headache's coming on. _

**CJ- **What does he want?

**Leo- **He wants us to have another look at…

**Toby- **_(Moaning)_ Noooo….

**Sam- **Article 43?

**Leo- **Yeah.

**Sam- **Fossil fuel reduction?

**Leo- **That's it.

**Toby- **Leo, the bill is locked! We went round and round on Article 43 two months ago! We went round and round with the Majority Leader, then the Motown 3, then the president! And if I have to go round and round again I… I think I'm gonna throw up.

**Leo- **I'd get a little paper bag ready if I were you.

**Toby- **God…

**Sam- **What's his problem? The 30%?

**Leo- **Yup.

**Sam- **Damn…

**CJ- **The Bill goes to the floor at 6 tomorrow.

**Leo- **Then I'd get to work.

_Slumped, and not nearly as giddy as when they came in, they start to troop out. _

**Toby- **Well, I guess a tape of Josh jigging in his cowboy boots doesn't take precedence today.

**Leo- **Wait. What?

**Toby- **_(Doesn't look back) _No! You don't get to see the tape anymore!

_They exit. Now Leo looks puzzled, but he quickly gets over it. _

**Leo- **Margaret!

_Margaret pops her head in. _

**Leo- **Get me Josh as soon as he gets in.

**Margaret- **I'll call Donna.

_Cut to: Hallway. _

_Toby, Sam and CJ are heading back to Communications. _

**Sam- **You know what's going to happen now, don't you?

**Toby- **Yes.

**Sam- **One of two things… Either we'll spend the bulk of the next 24 hours trying to rework this thing, at which point we'll have to tell the president we can't do it and he'll be pissed at us…

**Toby- **I said I know, Sam…

**Sam- **Or… we'll spend the bulk of the next 24 hours trying to rework this thing, at which point the president will _make_ us drop it in and every Republican in the western hemisphere will lose their minds.

**Toby- **What part of "I know, Sam" didn't you–?

**Sam- **When Republicans lose their minds they tend to get armed. And quickly.

**Toby- **Sam…

**Sam- **The Marines at the door aren't just for decoration, right?

**Toby- **Let's just get this over with.

_They reach the Bullpen and file into Toby's office. _

**Toby- **CJ, when's your briefing?

**CJ- **Twenty minutes. And they're gonna ask me if the Bill is locked, or if the president has any last minute amendments.

**Sam- **Well, pray they don't phrase it exactly like that.

**CJ- **Tell me about it.

**Sam- **Coz then you'll _have_ to tell them that–

**CJ- **I get it, Sam. And believe me… I pray every time I step into that room.

**Toby- **Dial it back as much as you can. Um… We're looking forward to the Bill being passed, blah blah blah… This is a… dramatic step forward in energy independence for the United States, blah blah blah…

**CJ- **Do I have to say blah blah blah?

**Toby- **Do it.

**CJ- **Yeah.

_With a huge sigh, CJ turns to leave. _

**Toby- **Sam?

**Sam- **Yeah.

**Toby- **You gotta…

**Sam- **Yeah!

_Sam follows CJ out. He enters his office. We track CJ as she passes through the Bullpen, headed for the Press Office. On her way, she glances left down a hallway and spots: _

**CJ- **Josh!

_Josh is, literally, inching down the hallway. He has his hand up on the wall, using it to steady himself as he goes. CJ smiles a 'cat who got the cream' smile and makes her way over. _

**CJ- **Josh!

_Josh cringes, throwing up a hand. _

**CJ- **Josh!

**Josh- **CJ… please…

**CJ- **How you doing?

**Josh- **Ever had a hangover and jet lag at the same time?

**Cj- **A… what? You're just getting back now?

**Josh- **I came… straight… from the airport.

**CJ- **Why?

**Josh- **Delay… Chicago… Damned Chicago…

**CJ- **Gotta say, you're not looking too good there, Josh.

**Josh- **And damn you!

**CJ- **Well, that just breaks my achey-breakey heart.

**Josh- **What?

**CJ- **You look all worn out. Are you sure it's the jet lag?

**Josh- **_(Rubs a hand down his face)_ What?

**CJ- **I'm just saying, maybe there's another reason you're feeling like this, and it has nothing to do with all those time zones you crossed.

**Josh- **What the… hell are you talking about?

**CJ- **Wow. Five minutes in, and you're already having a helluva day, aren't you?

**Josh- **You have no idea.

**CJ- **Well… no. But I do have some idea of how bad it's gonna get.

**Josh- **And… again… what the hell are you talking about?

**CJ- **Go to your office, ask Donna to get you some coffee, and get ready, okay?

_CJ heads off, chuckling all the way. Josh calls after her:_

**Josh- **CJ! What the hell are you talking about!

_Suddenly, he cries out and clutches his head. _

**Josh- **Damn…

_Josh continues his tortured progress towards his office. _**_Donna Moss _**_rounds a corner, spots him and heads over. Josh spots her coming too, and raises a protective hand. _

**Josh- **Donna, please… not now. Just give me… give me five minutes alone in my office with the lights off before you say anything. Okay?

**Donna- **Can I say welcome back?

**Josh- **Sure.

**Donna- **But, I also have to tell you…

**Josh- **Donna…

**Josh- **I have to tell you that you need to meet with Leo.

**Josh- **Now?

**Donna- **Yes.

**Josh- **No five minutes?

**Donna- **No.

**Josh- **No quiet time with the lights off?

**Josh- **No.

**Josh- **I hate my job…

**Donna- **It's not line-dancing, that's for sure.

**Josh- **What?

**Donna- **What?

**Josh- **You're the second one to… Nevermind. I need to see Leo?

**Donna- **Right now.

**Josh- **Okay. I'm on my way.

_He changes direction and limps off, muttering as he goes. _

**Josh- **I have a feeling this is not gonna be a good day…

_And we slam cut to:_

_**The West Wing Opening Credits,**_


	2. The Briefing

_Leo's Office: The door's closed. The door opens and we see Josh, looking, if at all possible, even worse. Over Josh's shoulder we see Leo at his desk. _

**Leo- **I'm sorry about this Josh. I know how hard you worked on this Bill. But get it done.

**Josh- **Yeah.

_Josh closes the door, and all but collapses against it. _

**Josh- **Definitely not a good day.

_He closes his eyes for a second. A second Margaret uses to step right up next to him, and:_

**Margaret- **Josh.

_Scare the hell out of him! Josh's eyes snap open. _

**Josh- **Margaret! What the hell?

**Margaret- **I just wanted to tell you that, if things get too rough, you can hide out at my desk.

**Josh- **What?

**Margaret- **If things get too rough.

**Josh- **You're offering me asylum from an Energy Bill?

**Margaret- **Not from the Bill.

**Josh- **Okay, that's it! Enough! This has been going on for too… Enough! Margaret, what do you know that I don't?

**Margaret- **Josh…

**Josh- **Yeah?

**Margaret- **You work closely with the Communications Department, right?

**Josh- **Yeah.

**Margaret- **So you'll know what the fastest path for news to travel through this building is.

**Josh- **The... internet?

**Margaret- **Try again.

**Josh- **The… assistants?

**Margaret- **Right. So when you ask me what I know that you don't…?

**Josh- **I'm asking a stupid question?

**Margaret- **If it gets too rough.

**Josh- **I'll remember.

_Margaret heads off. Ignoring his headache, Josh starts banging his head against the door. BANG. One. BANG. Two. Bang. Three, and… The door opens. Josh flips over backwards, narrowly missing a bemused Leo. _

**Leo- **I thought you were knocking.

**Josh- **_(From the floor)_ I wasn't.

**Leo- **Okay.

_Leo steps smartly over him and heads off. _

_Cut to: Toby's Office. _

_Toby's standing by the plate glass dividing his office from Sam's. The blinds are closed. Toby's banging on the glass. _

**Toby- **Sam! Sam! SAM!

**Sam (v/o)- **Yes, Toby?

**Toby- **Sam! Sam! SAM!

**Sam (v/o)- **You know I heard you, right?

**Toby- **Sam! I'm eating it, Sam!

**Sam (v/o)- **And now you're making _me_ eat it, Toby!

**Toby- **You weren't eating it already?

**Sam (v/o)- **Yes, but…

_Couple of seconds pass, and Sam appears in the doorway. _

**Sam- **Please stop banging on the wall.

**Toby- **There's no way to do it, Sam! It's not possible! The only way we're gonna be able to change 25% to 30%, is if Canada suddenly overcomes centuries of ingrained pacifism and decides to blow Michigan off the map!

**Sam- **Canada? You know there are other, more likely countries with missiles that can reach Michigan, right?

**Toby- **You're editing my rants for factual correctness?

**Sam- **Canada isn't nuclear.

**Toby- **It can't be done!

**Sam- **Actually it can.

**Toby- **How?

**Sam- **Well, you just said it. If Canada suddenly went nuclear and developed an irrational hatred of Michigan…

**Toby- **I'm eating it, Sam!

**Sam- **Okay, what if…?

**Toby- **Yeah?

**Sam- **What if…?

**Toby- **Yeah?

**Sam- **I don't actually have a thought here…

**Toby- **CJ's briefing.

**Sam- **Yeah, let's watch…

_Sam reaches up, and turns the sound up on the TV, where CJ is fielding questions in the:_

_Press Briefing Room._

**CJ- **…and as you know, the house will have a floor vote on the president's new Energy Bill.

**Reporters- **CJ! CJ! CJ!

_CJ tries to ignore them._

**CJ- **That is, for those of you who didn't bother to write it down the first 300 times, White House Resolution 872, which will ratify the US's commitment to reducing fossil-fuel emission over the next five years.

_A reporter, _**_Danny Concannon_**_ jumps to his feet. _

**Danny- **CJ! Will the president be making any last minute amendments to Resolution 872?

**CJ- **That's it, everybody. Thank you. I'll see you all again at five.

_With that, CJ ducks off to a chorus of:_

**Reporters- **CJ! CJ! CJ! CJ!

_Cut back to:_

_Toby's Office. _

**Sam- **Well, she handled it.

**Toby- **She would've been better off going with the blah blah blah approach.

**Sam- **Yeah.

_Toby and Sam step out into the Bullpen, and glance down the hallway where CJ's emerging from the Briefing Room. _

**Toby- **Say it!

**CJ- **Blah blah blah!

**Toby- **Bit late now, don't you think?

_CJ waves him off and ducks into her office. Toby turns to Sam. _

**Toby- **Find Ed and Larry. Tell them to meet us in the Mural Room. We're gonna need space to move. Space to think. Space to figure out just what the hell we're…

**Sam- **We're also gonna need to gauge opposition reaction.

**Toby- **I'm not gonna try a whip count now! There's a very real chance a Republican Congressman might try to blow up the White House.

**Sam- **We don't need a whip count.

**Toby- **Ainsley?

**Sam- **Ainsley.

**Toby- **Do it.

**Sam- **Ginger, get hold of Ainsley Hayes. Tell her to meet us in the Mural Room in five minutes. Ed and Larry too.

**Ginger- **Sure.

_Ginger gets on the phones. Sam and Toby head for the Mural Room. They only get five steps before they see Josh. If CJ was smiling before, it's nothing on the smiles Sam and Toby are sporting now. _

**Sam- **Josh… how was your vacation?

**Josh- **Fine.

**Toby- **You don't seem… particularly rested.

**Josh- **I'm not.

**Sam- **Too bad.

**Josh- **Okay, that's it! Enough! I… have had it! All you people…! All you… All you… you…

**Bonnie- **_(Pipes up)_ People?

**Josh- **Yes! You people! With your little innuendos! And your snide remarks! Well, there's a bomb in this building…!

**Sam- **_(Panicked)_ Josh!

**Josh- **A metaphorical bomb! And it's about to go off all over me! So, please, for the love of all that is holy, what are you people talking about?

_Toby crooks a finger, beckoning:_

**Toby- **Follow me, Tanto.

**Josh- **I'm Tanto now?

_Toby leads Josh into his office. He takes Josh by the shoulders and positions him in the middle of the room as Sam hits PLAY on the VCR. _

**CameraGuy- **You girls enjoying yourselves?

_Extreme close-up on Josh's face as all the colour drains out of it. He stares at the screen like he's staring at his own death. With patronising pats on the back, Sam and Toby file past him, heading for the door. _

**Sam- **Josh?

**Josh- **Yeah?

**Sam- **At this time… I think you should keep in mind the parable of the…

**Josh- **Sam, this is the wrong moment to start talking like the president.

**Sam- **Got it.

**Toby- **Mural Room when it's over.

_Toby and Sam exit. Back on Josh's face:_

**Josh- **Oh… my… God!

_And the door closes. _

_Commercial Break. _


	3. The Notice

**_The Mural Room._**

_As Toby and Sam come in one door, Ed, Larry and five staffers come through another, chattering amongst themselves. _

**Toby- **Okay, I'm going to say this once. And it'll be the only time, in this life, that you will hear me say it, but… I need your help.

_The sudden silence is deafening. The staffers stare at Toby like he just grew a second head. _

**Ed- **Say that again.

**Toby- **No.

**Larry- **You need to say that again.

**Toby- **I just told you I'll only say it once in this lifetime. You want me to break my vow thirty seconds later?

**Sam- **_(Interrupts) _Everybody, please take your seats.

**Toby- **What are you? The Mural Room MC?

**Sam- **I'm trying to be polite.

**Toby- **_(Points at Larry) _To Ed? _(Points at Ed)_ And Larry? And… do the rest of you even have names?

**Ed- **I'm Ed.

**Larry- **I'm Larry.

**Sam- **This is why they like me more.

**Staffer- **That's true.

**Toby- **I don't care.

**Staffer- **You do a little.

**Toby- **Listen… the president wants to drop in an amendment.

**Ed- **No!

**Sam- **'Fraid so.

**Larry- **And you want our help?

**Toby- **You're gonna hold that over me forever, aren't you?

**Larry- **Actually, right now I'm missing the days when you did everything yourself.

**Toby- **I'll bet.

_Door opens, and Ainsley Hayes enters. _

**Ainsley- **You rang?

**Sam- **We sent a message.

**Ainsley- **Which came on a phone.

**Sam- **Yeah.

**Ainsley- **Phones ring.

**Toby- **We need to run something by you.

**Ainsley- **Okay…

_Suddenly, the door bursts open and Josh all but explodes into the room! _

**Josh- **Get me the FBI!

**Ainsley- **Hey Josh…

**Josh- **Get me the CIA! Get me the NSA! Get me that guy from the comic books with the cowl who's a good detective!

**Sam- **You mean Batman?

**Josh- **That's him!

**Sam- **You want us to get you Batman?

**Josh- **Yeah!

**Sam- **You know he's fictional, right?

**Josh- **I don't care! I want Batman to find this… this cyber-terrorist who slandered me all over the internet, and I want him to… I don't know… Batarang him!

**Toby- **There is so much wrong with that sentence.

**Sam- **Yeah.

**Toby- **First, and by no means least, is the fact that Batarang is a noun, not a verb.

**Larry- **What?

**Toby- **A Batarang. It's not something you do. It's a… a thing. He keeps it clipped to his belt. He throws it _at_ people.

**Josh- **It disturbs me how much you know about Batman.

**Toby- **It disturbs me how little you know about Batman.

**Josh- **This fascist comedian with the cheap camera phone needs to be arrested, he needs to be tortured, and then we need to make him eat the phone!

**Ainsley- **Can someone please explain to me what's going on?

**Josh- **You didn't see it?

**Ainsley- **See what?

**Josh- **Ainsley, I can't explain how much I love you right now…

**Ainsley- **Okay.

**Toby- **Can we please move on from the episode of Communist Kojack playing in Josh's head?

**Sam- **Do you really want to do that?

**Toby- **No. What I want is for all of us to perform an impromptu skit satirising Josh's impersonation of John Wayne joining the Village People as a replacement for the regular cowboy.

**Sam- **You think that _needs_ satirising?

**Ainsley- **Now I _really_ need someone to explain…

**Toby- **Can we focus? Please?

**Josh- **I hate you. I hate all of you. Except… Ainsley. Whom I love.

**Ainsley- **Love you too, Josh.

**Sam- **Only until you see the video.

**Toby- **Ainsley, the president wants us to drop in an amendment to Article 43 of Resolution 872, calling for a 30% reduction in fossil-fuel emissions rather than a 25% reduction.

**Ainsley- **Ohhh…

**Sam- **What do you think?

**Ainsley- **I think Congress is going to take you out for a walk.

**Sam- **Yeah.

**Ainsley- **It's going to be perceived as a last-minute buttonhook, and an already overly-liberal president trying to force through his own agenda against the express wishes of the majority of Congress.

**Toby- **You don't think the Congressional Majority will do everything they can to stop the American public finding out that what they want can be overturned by an overly-liberal president?

**Ainsley- **It can't.

**Toby- **Understand that I don't agree with your assessment that he's an overly–

**Ainsley- **It's not my personal assessment.

**Toby- **Okay.

**Ainsley- **I'm saying it can't be done. You _can't_ force it through.

**Toby- **Then what, in your opinion, are we doing here?

**Ainsley- **Wasting time chasing a pipe dream. Because the fact is, the president _is_ overly-liberal – and he _thinks_ he's pursuing a noble cause – but in this situation he's Sisyphus.

**Sam- **Say that three times fast.

**Larry- **Sisyphus?

**Ainsley- **Yeah.

**Larry- **The president's a coward?

**Toby- **He's… No! He's not a sissy! Sisyphus is a character from Greek mythology, condemned to push a rock up the same hill for eternity.

**Ainsley- **It's an exercise in futility.

**Josh- **Which is what we're doing here.

**Ainsley- **That's right.

**Toby- **And now we're all caught up. So let's get started… pushing the rock up the hill.

_Cut to: _**_EB Outer Office._**

**_Charlie Young_**_ is at his desk, going through some correspondence when Leo enters. _

**Leo- **Charlie. Can I see him?

**Charlie- **He just finished up a call. You can go through.

**Leo- **Thanks.

_Leo passes Charlie's desk, and steps through a door into:_

_**The Oval Office. **_

**_President Josiah Bartlet_**_ is sitting in an armchair in the middle of the room, reading a file. He takes off his glasses, looks up when Leo enters. _

**Bartlet- **Are you here to scold me, Leo?

**Leo- **No, Mr President.

**Bartlet- **Really? You're not coming in here to tell me I'm tying up the Senior Staff on a pointless mission when you have an entire country to run?

**Leo- **Is that what you think, Mr President?

**Bartlet- **Leo…

**Leo- **I'm not here to scold you.

**Bartlet- **Then why are you here?

**Leo- **You know you have the entire Senior Staff tied up when we have a country to run?

**Bartlet- **_(Stands up)_Here we go…

_He starts pacing. Leo follows him around the room. _

**Leo- **What are you doing? You know we're not going to get it through at 30%.

**Bartlet- **And why not?

**Leo- **Excuse me?

**Bartlet- **Why won't we get it through at 30%?

**Leo- **Because we barely managed to get it through by a two-vote squeak at 25%.

**Bartlet- **And maybe that's our fault. Maybe we didn't try hard enough.

**Leo- **Don't say that.

**Bartlet- **Maybe we need the extra push of an impossible job to get something done around here!

**Leo- **That's incredibly unfair!

**Bartlet- **What?

**Leo- **Josh took point, and they wore themselves out carrying this down the field. 25% was what we had to swallow, and you know what…? I'm okay with that. It's a good Bill.

**Bartlet- **No, it's not. It's _almost_ good. Even at 30% it wouldn't be good. We're falling behind, Leo! The UK, France and Germany have a comparable standard of living to the United States, but per person are responsible for only half–

**Leo- **Why do you feel the need to convince _me_, sir?

**Bartlet- **Excuse me?

**Leo- **I agree with you already. You know who doesn't agree with you?

**Bartlet- **Republicans.

**Leo- **You've assembled one of the finest administrative teams this building has ever seen. I really believe that. But they're not miracle workers. We can't expect them to be. _(Long pause)_ It's a hostile Congress. And this is only going to make them more hostile without any tangible reward.

**Bartlet- **You think cleaner air, and a more stable global environment isn't a tangible reward?

**Leo- **That's not what I'm saying…

**Bartlet- **Then what are you saying? We just roll over now? The Republicans are in the majority so we don't get to push our agenda?

**Leo- **This _is_ our agenda! At 25% it's still our agenda! It's already the most progressive step this country has ever taken to battle the effects of Global Warming!

**Bartlet- **And I'm saying it's not enough, Leo! It's not enough. I know this is crazy. I know it might all be in vain. But let's see – let's _see_ – if maybe we can take a few steps down the road to enough.

_Silence hangs in the air. Leo reads the president's earnestness, nods:_

**Leo- **Thank you, Mr President.

_Leo exits. The president sighs, and sinks back into his seat. Cut to:_

_**The Mural Room. **_

_The group look tired and listless. _

**Josh- **We gotta Give them something they want.

**Ainsley- **You don't have anything they want.

**Josh- **Gotta be something…

**Ainsley- **They didn't want this Bill in the first place. The only reason it's going through at all is the increase in international pressure.

**Sam- **_(Sighs) _We're nowhere.

**CJ- **Guys, I'm going to have to tell them something at the next briefing.

**Josh- **Know any good knock-knock jokes?

_There's a knock at the door. Everybody freezes. _

**Josh- **Okay, that was creepy.

**Toby- **_(Calls out) _Yeah?

_Door opens and Donna enters, leading in a bespectacled man, holding a clipboard. _

**Donna- **Josh? There's someone here to see you.

_Josh stands. The man crosses to him and shakes his hand. _

**Man- **Are you Joshua Lyman?

**Josh- **I am.

**Man- **_(Holds out clipboard) _Sign here, please.

**Josh- **Aw, man! _(Takes clipboard) _I'm being served again?

**Man- **Yes, sir.

_He watches as Josh signs._

**Josh- **What kind of bogus… hack-kneed… politically-motivated dumbass lawsuit is it this time?

**Man- **It's not a lawsuit.

**Josh- **Excuse me?

**Man- **It's not a lawsuit.

_The man hands Josh an official-looking envelope. _

**Sam- **What is it?

_Josh rips open the envelope and pulls out a letter. _

**Josh- **It's a Notice to Appear!

**Man- **Yes, sir.

**Josh- **Like… in court?

**Man- **Yes, sir.

**Sam- **And you passed the bar exam?

**Josh- **What the hell?

**Toby- **Where's the notice from?

**Josh- **Los Angeles County. Malibu.

**Ainsley- **What happened in Malibu?

**Sam- **That's a complicated question.

**Man- **Thank you, sir. I'll be on my way.

**Josh- **Yeah, yeah…

_Josh isn't even looking at him, waves the guy away as he continues to read. _

**Toby- **What does it say?

**Josh- **I don't believe this…

**Toby- **Josh…

_Wordlessly, Josh hands over the letter. Toby reads. _

**Sam- **Guys, the suspense…

**Josh- **Okay, which one of you did this?

_Everyone just stares at him. _

**Josh- **I know it's one of you in this room! I'll be the first to admit that Leo can be as sick and twisted with the jokes as anyone, but he wouldn't send a fake Sheriff of the Court into the West Wing!

**CJ- **You think this is a prank?

**Josh- **Isn't it?

**CJ- **Not mine. Sam?

**Sam- **Not mine. Ainsley?

**Ainsley- **I still don't have a clue what's going on.

**Josh- **And I still love you for it. Ed, Larry, if one of you guys…

**Ed- **It wasn't us.

**Larry- **Though… kinda wish it was.

**Toby- **Josh, this looks genuine.

**Josh- **No way!

**Ainsley- **Let me see.

_Toby hands it over. _

**Ainsley- **Yup. It's the Seal of Los Angeles County.

**Josh- **How do you know that?

**Ainsley- **_(Coy) _That's really a story for another time…

**Sam- **I vote it be a story for right now.

**Donna- **What's in the letter?

**Toby- **Apparently, Josh broke the law and then fled the state of California.

**Josh- **I didn't flee! I got on a plane! And that's… a totally made-up law! It has to be!

**Sam- **What law?

**Toby- **Well… it says here…

_He trails off, trying not to laugh. The others wait, and wait…_

**CJ- **Toby!

**Toby- **In the great state of California, you're not allowed to wear cowboy boots–

**Ainsley- **You wore cowboy boots?

**Josh- **Not now.

**Toby- **Without owning at least two cows!

**CJ- **You're kidding!

**Toby- **Nope.

**Donna- **You're kidding!

**Toby- **No.

**Josh- **See? They agree with me! Somebody must have made that up!

**Sam- **Actually… that's true. Technically, anyway…

**Josh- **What?

**Sam- **The law. It's true.

**Josh- **It can't be!

**Sam- **It is.

**Josh- **It's illegal in California to wear cowboy boots unless you own two cows?

**Toby- **_At least_ two cows.

**Josh- **Yeah, that's a distinction I'm worried about.

**Sam- **The law's never been repealed. It's genuine.

**Josh- **So everyone in California wearing cowboy boots gets arrested?

**Sam- **No. But not everyone breaking into houses in California gets arrested either. That doesn't invalidate the law.

**CJ- **Whoever prosecutes this is going to have a pretty strong case with that videotape.

**Josh- **This is so far beyond ridiculous…

**Ainsley- **Why Josh?

**Sam- **Hmm…?

**Ainsley- **Why Josh? This law is so obscure. And I'm sure it's costing taxpayers money to pursue this. Not least of which sending a Sheriff of the Court down here to deliver the papers.

**Toby- **She's right.

**Sam- **Yeah.

**Toby- **Josh… someone's gunning for you.

_Close on Josh's face as the grim realisation sets in. _

_Commercial break. _


	4. The Absurdity

_**Leo's Office. **_

_Leo is on the phone. _

**Leo- **I agree, Mr Secretary, but I was thinking more along the lines of a phone call, rather than a sit-down. _(Pause, listens)_ Because, if this is a problem you can't solve in the space of a phone call, then it's going to raise some questions I'm not sure you want to answer.

_Margaret knocks and enters. _

**Leo- **Mr Secretary, I'm going to have to let you go. The president will call you in a couple of hours.

_Leo hangs up the phone. _

**Leo- **Yeah?

**Margaret- **Toby here to see you.

**Leo- **If they figured something out already, I'm handing out bonuses.

_Margaret opens the door._

**Margaret- **Toby?

_Toby enters. _

**Toby- **Thanks, Margaret.

_Margaret exits. _

**Leo- **Good news or bad?

**Toby- **Weird.

**Leo- **What happened?

**Toby- **Josh just got served with a Summons to Appear.

**Leo- **At what? Some kind of fundraiser? Is the first lady pimping out my deputy now?

**Toby- **No. In court.

**Leo- **What?

**Toby- **There was a tape released over the internet…

**Leo- **Yeah. Margaret told me about it. When am I going to see this tape?

**Toby- **If what we think happens next happens next… you'll be seeing it on Capital Beat _and_ the Daily Show.

**Leo- **What?

**Toby- **Things have escalated. It's illegal in California to wear cowboy boots without…

**Leo- **…owning at least two cows.

**Toby- **You know it?

**Leo- **Yeah.

**Toby- **Leo, don't take this the wrong way, but someone should order a study on you and Sam, and the strange, strange way your minds work.

**Leo- **Now how could I possibly take that the wrong way, Toby?

**Toby- **Anyway, someone's pressing charges.

**Leo- **They're targeting Josh.

**Toby- **Yeah.

**Leo- **So the first thing we have to do is find out who.

_Cut to: _**_The Mural Room. _**

_Camera pans slowly down the length of the table, taking in the dulled, dazed expressions of Josh, Donna, CJ, Ainsley, Ed, Larry and four of the staffers. The fifth staffer's fast asleep. Sam is holding court at the head of the table. His hands on the back of a chair. _

**Sam- **Texas is fascinating…

**Josh- **Sam, review that last sentence in your head.

**Sam- **I'm serious. Like… did you know that in Texas criminals have to give their victims 24 hours notice.

**Josh- **Huh?

**Sam- **24 hours notice.

**Donna- **Of… what?

**Sam- **Their intent to commit a crime.

**Ainsley- **Criminals are supposed to _tell _ their victims they're coming for them?

**Sam- **Either orally, or by writing.

**Ainsley- **Well, at least they have options.

**Larry- **So, it's… "Dear Homeowner, just letting you know I'm breaking in tomorrow. Do with this note what you will."?

**Sam- **Basically.

**Josh- **That is… insane.

**Sam- **They also banned the Encyclopaedia Brittanica.

**Donna- **Who did?

**Sam- **Texas.

**Josh- **Explains so much…

**Ainsley- **Why?

**Sam- **Why'd they ban it?

**Ainsley- **No. Why are you still talking?

**Sam- **Because it contains a recipe for making beer.

**Josh- **Hold on! You're telling us… you're… you're telling us Texas has a problem with beer?

**Sam- **Of course not. I'm telling you that some councilman way back when – probably with some budding Budweiser stocks – had a problem with the people of Texas knowing how to make it themselves.

**CJ- **You're lucky Toby's not here to hear you say budding Budweiser stocks.

**Sam- **In Maine…

**Josh- **Oh, sweet Lord…

**Sam- **You're going to like this one.

**CJ- **I doubt it.

**Sam- **In Maine, you're prevented from stepping out of an airplane while it's still in the air.

**Donna- **So the 82nd Airborne won't be parachuting in to save Augusta any time soon.

**Ed- **Save Augusta from what?

**Donna- **I don't know. From… being Augusta?

**Ainsley- **It's like the law in New York. The penalty for stepping off a building is death.

**Sam- **_(Grins) _Ainsley, I could kiss you right now!

**Josh- **Hey! I saw her first!

**Sam- **You can't have dibs!

**Josh- **Why not?

**Sam- **She knows obscure legal trivia!

**Josh- **Your argument is… she's as crazy boring as you?

**Ainsley- **I'm sitting right here!

**Donna- **_(Smacks Josh upside the head) _Yeah! She's sitting right there!

**Josh- **Ow! I see her!

**Sam- **You can't get arrested on a Sunday in Ohio.

**Josh- **Why don't you smack _him_? If for nothing more than attempted homicide by Trivial Pursuit!

**Sam- **Also in Ohio… it's illegal to hunt whales. Not hard to obey that law.

**Josh- **Sam…

**Sam- **We should find out if the Governor of Pennsylvania was ever in a duel. Because if he was, then appointing him Governor was a highly illegal move.

**Josh- **Sam, I swear to God, you and I are gonna duel!

**Ainsley- **I'd pay money to see that.

**Donna- **As would I.

**Larry- **You guys should use swords.

**Josh- **Please… please let them be on their way to arrest me.

_Josh drops his head and bangs it on the table. The bang wakes up the slumbering staffer. _

**Staffer- **Huh? Wass'goin' on?

_**Josh groans. Cut to:**_

_**Passage Outside Leo's Office.**_

_Leo and Toby step out of Leo's office, proceed down the hallway. _

**Leo- **So… who are you thinking?

**Toby- **You want me to start tossing out names?

**Leo- **I'm asking what you're thinking.

**Toby- **You know what I'm thinking.

**Leo- **Do I?

**Toby- **You always know what I'm thinking before I think it.

**Leo- **I'm flattered.

**Toby- **It's true.

**Leo- **Berryman.

**Toby- **Fox.

**Leo- **Or Clampton.

**Toby- **Any one of those guys wouldn't hesitate to take a swing at Josh at the first hint of an opening.

**Leo- **Or any one of us.

**Toby- **Josh especially. Hoause Appropriations, that thing with the Attorney General…

**Leo- **Not to mention the flip on the RNC in the California 47th.

**Toby- **There it is.

**Leo- **California.

**Toby- **Yeah.

**Leo- **Let's not hedge those bets, though. You'll set up meetings?

**Toby- **Sure.

_The door to the Mural Room bursts open, and CJ almost runs them over in her haste to escape. _

**Leo- **CJ! Where's the fire?

**CJ- **I need to get to the briefing room!

**Leo- **_(Checks watch) _Why? What happened? The next briefing's only in twenty minutes.

**CJ- **So I'll practice taking questions.

_CJ hustles off before they can question her further. _

**Leo- **What's going on in there?

**Toby- **It's an obscure law.

**Leo- **Sam?

**Toby- **You've been on the receiving end of one of his diatribes? "The lawmakers in the United States are morons, isn't it wonderful?"

**Leo- **During the campaign… I was stuck next to him on a bus from Sheridan to Twin Falls.

**Toby- **So you know it's illegal to _not_ drink milk in Utah.

**Leo- **Sucks for the lactose intolerant, huh?

**Toby- **I'll say.

_Toby opens the door, and they enter: _**_The Mural Room_**_, to be greeted by the sight of Josh holding Sam in a headlock, while the others cheer him on. _

**Josh- **Say it! SAY IT!

**Sam- **_(Strangled cry)_ Uncle… Uncle…

**Josh- **Not 'uncle' you Princeton puppet! SAY IT!

**Sam- **Grnszk…

**Josh- **What?

**Donna- **He's choking, Josh!

**Josh-** _(Let's up a little) _Say it!

**Sam- **When I'm done… serving the president. I… will put my law degree… to work… passing… "Death by Trivial Pursuit"… into law…

**Leo-** _(To Toby) _You think we can get the arresting officer to take Sam too?

_**Commercial Break.**_


	5. The Stunt

_Reopen in the _**_Press Briefing Room._**_ CJ's facing down the phalanx of reporters again._

**Reporter (Mark)- **CJ! Is Josh Lyman on the run from the law?

**CJ- **The only thing Josh is running from is commitment – to the plethora of women in his life.

**Danny- **CJ! You dodged my question earlier.

**CJ- **I didn't dodge anything.

**Danny- **You fled the room.

**CJ- **_(Sighs) _What was the question?

**Danny- **Is the president planning to drop in an amendment to Resolution 872, and is that what this is all about?

**CJ- **What what is all about?

**Danny- **Josh being served.

**CJ- **I don't see how. Yes? Lisa?

**Danny- **Uh… CJ?

**CJ- **I swear, Danny, while you were talking I couldn't help but move on to other things in my head.

_Snap to black. _

_**The Mural Room.**_

_Toby's just switched off the TV. He turns to the rest of the room. _

**Toby- **She's tap-dancing on ice.

**Sam- **And the ice is starting to crack.

**Josh- **We can't keep doing this to her. She's not going to make it to a full lid without getting her head chopped off.

**Donna- **She's doing this for you.

**Josh- **She's doing it because everyone knows we can't drop in an amendment. They know it! You wanna guess what every Republican watching this briefing is doing right now? Sharpening their knives! Coz they're not taking us out to lunch – we _are_ lunch.

**Ainsley- **I think they'd prefer to use their hands and teeth.

**Josh- **Great.

**Toby- **Can we put the amendment on the backburner for now?

**Josh- **The backburner?

**Toby- **Yeah.

**Josh- **We have less than 13 hours before this goes to the floor.

**Toby- **And I want you here for that. I don't want you rotting in some Malibu jail!

**Josh- **Worse jails you could be rotting in…

**Leo- **Josh…

**Josh- **Could be… Pyongyang…

**Donna- **Josh! This is serious!

**Josh- **You're telling me?

**Leo- **Toby and I have three main suspects, Berryman, Fox, and…

**Josh- **Clampton. It's… Clampton. Who else would it be?

**Ainsley- **Congressman Jeff Clampton?

**Sam- **Republican representative from North Carolina.

**Toby- **You know him?

**Ainsley- **I should. He's my godfather.

**Josh- **He's… Wait! What?

**Ainsley- **He's my godfather.

**Josh- **Okay, I withdraw my declaration of love.

**Ainsley- **Because of my godfather?

**Josh- **Because your godfather's the leading gunslinger in the posse that's out to get me!

**Ainsley- **And I'm on your side.

**Josh- **Okay, I love you again.

**Donna- **Cheap slut!

**Ainsley- **Excuse me?

**Donna- **Not you. Him.

**Ainsley- **Oh, okay then…

**Sam- **Is this about the RNC stunt?

**Josh- **It wasn't a stunt.

**Sam- **Yes, it really was.

**Ainsley- **What did you do to my godfather?

**Josh- **Leo, can I apply for political asylum?

**Leo- **Ainsley, stand easy.

**Ainsley- **That a military thing?

**Sam- **Congressman Clampton was stumping for Howard Webb out in California and Josh… well… he had a little fun with the RNC.

**Ainsley- **What did you do?

**Josh- **_(Holds up his hands) _I… I… I…

**Sam- **He sowed some misinformation.

**Ainsley- **Josh… What. Did. You. Do?

**Josh- **Leo, she's scaring me. I want to revisit the political–

**Leo- **Josh used his contacts – did what he does – and gave Clampton, Webb and their people the impression that the DNC was making a big push in San Francisco.

**Ainsley- **Oh… God! _That was you?_

**Sam- **You know what happened?

**Ainsley- **The Republican incumbent was vulnerable in the California 29th, and the RNC wanted to cut the Democrats off at the pass, so they sent uncle Jeff and Congressman Webb up there…

**Larry- **_Uncle_ Jeff?

_A veritable death glare from Ainsley shuts him the hell up. _

**Ainsley- **It was a set-up. And when they stepped off the van, instead of the pre-emptive RNC rally they expected, they found themselves in the middle of the Gay Pride Parade.

_A chorus of giggles breaks out all around the room. Even Leo's smirking. _

**Ainsley- **You think this is funny?

**Josh- **It's an annual thing. You're telling me not one of your uncle's lackeys knew about it?

**Ainsley- **My godfather. I just _call_ him uncle Jeff.

**Ed- **Did uncle Jeff enjoy it when Miss Transsexual San Francisco pulled him up on the float and serenaded him with Diana Ross' _I Will Survive?_

**Ainsley- **Actually, he did. He said she had a sultry voice and he barely noticed the Adam's apple.

_Another chorus of giggles. Another death glare from Ainsley. _

**Josh- **It's definitely Clampton.

**Leo- **Yeah.

**Toby- **Josh has to meet with him.

**Leo- **Yeah.

**Josh- **Hey now! What?

**Leo- **You have to smooth it out with him.

**Josh- **Yeah, that's not gonna happen. Leo, I can't go down there!

**Leo- **You have to.

**Josh- **He's going to string me up the minute I step through the door!

**Leo- **I don't care, Josh. It has to be done.

**Josh- **You don't care? Hung, drawn and quartered! You know what that looks like? You ever watch Braveheart?

**Sam- **You're comparing yourself to William Wallace?

**Josh- **We're… both dashing. Both look good in a kilt.

**Sam- **Joshua Lyman – freedom fighter!

**Donna- **Bad day for freedom.

**Josh- **You're going to knock me when I'm on my way to my death?

**Donna- **I'll feel bad about it afterwards.

**Leo- **Ainsley, go with him.

**Ainsley- **To take photographs?

**Josh- **You're more the Lady Macbeth kind of lover, aren't you?

**Leo- **Help him out.

**Ainsley- **I don't know if I can do that.

**Leo- **Try, will ya? Toby?

**Toby- **Yeah?

**Leo- **Meet with the Majority Leader. Gauge his temperature on the amendment.

**Toby- **How big a thermometer do you want me to take?

**Leo- **Sam, Ainsley's with Josh, so meet with White House Counsel.

**Sam- **You want me to tell Tribby about this?

**Leo- **You drew the short straw. The rest of you, keep trying to figure out a way we can sell this to Congress.

**Sam- **You guys wanna switch?

**Ed & Larry- **_No!_

_CUT TO:_


	6. The Lawyer

_Sam is marching through the corridors of the _**_White House Counsel's Office_**_. He's obviously nervous already. A state not helped when he spots several interns huddled together, arguing in low voices. _

**Intern 1- **You do it.

**Intern 2- **No, you do it.

**Intern 3- **One of you do it.

**Intern 2- **Why don't you do it?

**Intern 3- **I'm not doing it.

_Curious now, Sam approaches them. _

**Sam- **Hi.

_The interns spare him one look, then return to their argument. _

**Intern 2- **Listen, my girlfriend is pregnant.

**Intern 1- **So?

**Intern 2- **So, I can't go in there!

**Intern 3- **You're an unpaid intern. How well are you providing for them now?

**Intern 2- **I wanna be there for the birth of my child. I'm not going in there.

**Sam- **Excuse me!

**Intern 1- **Yeah, who are you?

_Intern 2 gives him a quick smack, and a:_

**Intern 2- **Shh!

**Sam- **I'm Sam Seaborn. I'm the Deputy Communications Director. I outrank you by about the population of Iowa.

**Intern 1- **Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I…

**Sam- **What's going on?

**Intern 3- **We have a letter here from the clerk's office that we have to deliver to Mr Tribby.

**Sam- **And none of you want to do it?

**Intern 3- **He's already in a bad mood.

**Intern 2- **My girlfriend's pregnant with my kid.

**Sam- **I'll take it in.

**Intern 1- **What?

**Sam- **Trust me, a letter from the clerk's office isn't going to tick him off more than what I have to tell him. And I can only die once, so…

**Intern 1- **Okay, sure… _(Hands over letter) _What do you have to tell him?

**Sam- **Better if you don't know.

**Intern 2- **Then we're outta here!

_The interns flee. Sam's surprised by their speed. He squares his shoulders, heads further into the office. He rounds a corner and slows down when hears a very, very angry voice coming from… somewhere. _

**Tribby (V/O)- **Let me tell you something, you puritanical wannabe Brownshirt, and you'd better be writing this down because there _will_ be a quiz later!

_Now Sam looks as scared as the interns as he creeps towards an open office door. _

**Tribby (V/O)- **Today's required reading is this little thing right here! It's called the US Constitution! Maybe you've heard of it?

_Suddenly a thin, leather-bound book comes hurtling out of the office. Sam has to duck and it just misses him before striking a wall. Ultra-cautious, Sam peers round the door, to see a furiously gesticulating Lionel Tribby screaming at a young female associate. _

**Tribby- **The Constitution, you see, is a pretty important document. Especially in this building. What building are we in?

_The associate answers too softly for Sam to hear. _

**Tribby- **I'm sorry, could you repeat that?

**Associate- **The White House, sir.

**Tribby- **Exactly! The White House! Now you go tell the Speaker that I'm not going to let his insipid little excuse for a political party tap-dance all over the Bill of Rights!

**Associate- **Yes, sir.

_The associate almost runs Sam over in her mad dash to get out of the office. Tribby turns his attention to Sam. _

**Tribby- **What do _you_ want?

**Sam- **Er… maybe this is a bad time.

**Tribby- **It's been a bad time ever since I took this job, Mr Seaborn. Now what do you want?

**Sam- **We have bit of a situation developing. Josh has been served with a Notice to Appear in California. It was a… well… and arbitrary law, and…

_Tribby's already turned back to his desk. _

**Tribby- **Tell him to retain outside counsel. I would have assumed you'd done that already, since you supposedly passed the bar exam.

**Sam- **I know the protocol, Lionel, I'm trying to explain that it gets more complicated than that. We're pretty sure the writ was served from Washington, by a political rival.

**Tribby- **_(Growls) _You Washington bureaucrats make me sick!

_CUT TO:_


	7. The Leader

**_OFFICE OF THE MAJORITY LEADER._**

_Open on a nameplate on a polished desk. It says _Senator C. Rollins_. Pull back, revealing Senator Rollins, making some notes. His phone buzzes. He hits a button._

**SECRETARY**: Toby Ziegler here to see you.

**ROLLINS**: Send him in.

_He puts his notes away, leans back in his chair as Toby enters._

**TOBY:** Senator...

**ROLLINS:** Have a seat, Toby.

_Toby takes a seat. They stare each other out for a few seconds._

**ROLLINS (CONT'D): **I'm not the one who called this meeting, Toby. You're going to have to speak at some point.

**TOBY: **There's been a development on Resolution 872.

_Toby waits, trying to gauge the senator's reaction, but Rollin's just stares at him impassively._

**TOBY (CONT'D): **The president wants an amendment to Article 43, calling for a 30% reduction instead of a 25% reduction.

**ROLLINS:** Yeah, I know.

**TOBY: **You know?

**ROLLINS:** Sure I do.

**TOBY:** How?

**ROLLINS: **Does it matter?

**TOBY: **Well, considering it's in-house so far, it matters a little.

**ROLLINS:** Toby, when Bartlet's Senior Staff get pulled into an emergency meeting on the eve of a major floor vote, it's not exactly a Rubick's Cube, you know what I'm saying?

**TOBY: **Are you going to oppose it?

**ROLLINS:** What do you think?

**TOBY: **I think you're going to oppose it.

**ROLLINS:** Then why do you ask?

**TOBY: **All I need is 18 votes.

**ROLLINS: **That you're going to find where? Hidden under a rock behind the statue of Lincoln?

**TOBY: **Lincoln was a Republican. But if he's hiding votes that can help me, I'll go take a look.

**ROLLINS: **You won't get the votes.

**TOBY: **You don't know that.

**ROLLINS:** Oh, but I do.

**TOBY: **We don't need a floor fight. You're handing an absurd amount of power to one state. One block of influence. If Detroit started mounting UZI's on the sides of Mustangs, they'd link with the NRA and get RoboCop elected!

**ROLLINS: **Now you listen to me. If Bartlet-

**TOBY:** _President _Bartlet.

**ROLLINS: **If _Bartlet _tries to shove this down our throats, I'm gonna do a lot worse than I've already done! Stony silence.

**TOBY: **What do you mean by that?

**ROLLINS:** You let him know.

_Toby meets the senator's furious gaze, his mind racing._

CUT TO:


	8. The Hill

**EXT. THE STEPS OF THE CAPITOL.**

_Josh and Ainsley are on the steps of the Capitol Building. People are coming and going: senators, congressmen, reporters, clerks. Josh has his back pressed up against a pillar, facing away from the building._

**AINSLEY:** Josh, this is stupid!

**JOSH: **Shh!

**AINSLEY: **This isn't going to work.

**JOSH:** Would you shut up?

**AINSLEY: **You're the White House Deputy Chief of Staff! You think hiding behind a pillar's going to stop people knowing you're on the Hill?

**JOSH: **_He_ won't know! This is the only way I'll get to see him. You think I can just walk into his office?

**AINSLEY: **You can if I'm with you. That's why Leo sent me on this baby-sitting mission.

**JOSH: **My plan is just fine.

**AINSLEY: **Your plan's lifted straight out of _Sp__y __v__s __Spy!_

**JOSH: **And that invalidates it?

**AINSLEY: **That's the problem with this White House! Always going for the dramatic instead of the practical.

**JOSH: **Hate to break it to you, sweetheart, but its your White House too.

**AINSLEY: **And I weep everyday.

_As they argue, a tall grey-haired senator -_ **Jef****f****Clampto****n**- _walks straight past them and they don't even notice. He stops, and watches as Josh and Ainsley rail on each other._

**JOSH: **You know, that's what gets me about you Republicans...

**AINSLEY: **This ought to be good.

**JOSH: **Always looking for what's wrong, and who's to blame. Always part of the problem, instead of the solution.

**AINSLEY: **And all the while, you Democrats will spend years chasing some pie-in-the-sky-dream, ignoring your constituents crying out for actual leadership!

**JOSH:** Oh that is-

**AINSLEY: **What?

**JOSH: **Such a-

**AINSLEY: **What?

**JOSH: **Crock!

**AINSLEY: **Crock?

**JOSH: **Yeah! Its a crock!

**AINSLEY: **Oh, Josh, you slay me with your rhetoric!

**JOSH: **Gimme half a chance, and I'll slay you for real!

**AINSLEY: **Is that any way to talk to the woman you claim to love?

**CLAMPTON**_ (interrupts): _The woman you _what_?

_Josh and Ainsley are startled - didn't even notice the senator come right up next to them._

**AINSLEY:** Uncle Jeff...

**JOSH: **Senator.

**CLAMPTON: **Josh. _(to Ainsley)_ Hello, Buttercup.

**JOSH: **Buttercup?

**AINSLEY: **Shush!

_Ainsley gives Clampton a hug. Josh waits, hands thrust into his pockets._

**CLAMPTON:** How's your mom?

**AINSLEY: **She's fine. She's spending the week with Aunt Sally.

**CLAMPTON: **Is Ronald down from Yale?

**AINSLEY:** How's Aunt Molly?

**CLAMPTON:** She's still-

**JOSH: **Can we do this, please?

**CLAMPTON: **Do what, Mr Lyman? Is this little... display for my benefit?

**JOSH: **I know it was you.

**AINSLEY** _(warning): _Josh...

**JOSH: **No! I'm not gonna shut up!

**CLAMPTON: **That would be a miracle we've not yet dreamed of.

**JOSH: **If you think coming after me is going to affect the president's resolve, you're crazy! This is his Bill! He pushed for it, he lobbied for it, and he's going to get it through Congress! And you can take that to the bank, you right-wing, pansy-ass-

**AINSLEY:** Josh! Calm down!

_Josh is breathing heavily, glaring at the senator, who just smiles back genially._

**CLAMPTON: **Ainsley, would you care to explain to me what's got Mr Lyman here so hot and bothered?

**JOSH: **Are you really going to stand here and pretend you don't know?

**AINSLEY: **Josh, please, let me handle this.

_Josh throws up his hands, backs off a couple of steps._

**AINSLEY (CONT'D): **Uncle Jeff... someone saw a video of Josh posted on the Internet. And now they're having some strings pulled to get him prosecuted in California.

**CLAMPTON: **Josh? You're being prosecuted?

**JOSH: **Like you had nothing to do with it.

**CLAMPTON: **I have to say, its about time.

**AINSLEY:** Uncle Jeff!

**CLAMPTON: **Quiet Ainsley! Its bad enough you've thrown your hat in with a bunch of marriage-hating child killers-!

**AINSLEY** _(appalled): Uncle Jeff! _

**CLAMPTON: **I know why you're here, Josh. When you write down a list of your enemies, my name must be pretty near the top, right?

**JOSH: **Top of the list, actually...

**CLAMPTON: **Well, I'm flattered. Truly, I am. But let me tell you something... if I wanted to take down the Bartlet administration, I wouldn't just target you.

_(to Ainsley)_

Honey, my love to your mom. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some actual work to do.

_Clampton heads off down the steps, leaving behind a stunned Ainsley and a fuming Josh._

**JOSH: **Aunt Sally and Aunt Molly?

**AINSLEY: **Shut up!

CUT TO:


	9. The Quiz

**INT. THE OVAL OFFICE.**

_President Bartlet is at his desk, going through messages. Charlie's standing beside him, organising the messages as the President goes through them._

**BARTLET:** Leo here yet?

**CHARLIE:** Not yet, sir.

**BARTLET: **I need him to pull this Energy Bill through.

**CHARLIE:** I know, sir.

**BARTLET: **Its one good thing I can do, Charlie. One good thing. You know how hard that is in this job?

**CHARLIE: **Yes, sir.

**BARTLET: **Charlie, with me it is exceptionally true that the presidency is no bed of roses.

_Charlie pauses in the act of giving the president one of his messages. Bartlet pauses and looks up. Charlie's staring at him._

**BARTLET (CONT'D): **What?

**CHARLIE: **You didn't say that.

**BARTLET: **Excuse me?

**CHARLIE: **You didn't say that.

**BARTLET:** I just did.

**CHARLIE:** James Polk said that.

**BARTLET: **Charlie, are you accusing me of plagiarism?

**CHARLIE: **In this case, yes I am, sir.

**BARTLET:** I am offended.

**CHARLIE: **Be offended all you like, sir, you stole that from James Polk.

**BARTLET: **Okay, Mr Smarty-Pants...

**CHARLIE: **Mr Smarty-Pants? Really, sir?

**BARTLET: **Which president said, "There is nothing stable, but Heaven and the Constitution"?

**CHARLIE: **What are you doing sir?

**BARTLET: **The arrogance pouring out of the statement should be a clue.

**CHARLIE: **Sir...

**BARTLET: **Which president said, "There is nothing stable, but Heaven and the Constitution"?

**CHARLIE:** James Buchanan.

**BARTLET**: So you do know.

**CHARLIE: **Yes, sir.

**BARTLET: **So what was that little go-round about?

**CHARLIE: **I was hoping to avoid-

**BARTLET: **Which president said that America is the only idealistic nation in the world?

**CHARLIE: **-this. I was hoping to avoid _this_.

**BARTLET: **Again, its a bit self-aggrandising for my taste...

**CHARLIE: **Is that possible, sir?

**BARTLET: **Are you being snooty?

**CHARLIE: **No, sir.

**BARTLET: **Then answer the question.

**CHARLIE:** Woodrow Wilson, sir.

**BARTLET:** Good. Next...

**CHARLIE: **Why are you doing this, sir?

**BARTLET: **I'm passing on my knowledge, Charlie.

**CHARLIE: **Except I already know the answers.

**BARTLET: **Who said, "A president's hardest task is not to _do_ what is right, but to _know_ what is right"?

**CHARLIE:** Lyndon B Johnson. _(beat, then, can't help himself) _He also said, "You ain't learnin' while you're talkin'".

_Bartlet stares at him so hard, its a surprise the back of Charlie's head doesn't blow off._

**BARTLET: **Well played. Get Leo for me, will ya?

**CHARLIE: **Yes, sir.

_A grateful Charlie gets the hell out of there. He exits the Oval, and enters the:_

**INT. OUTER OFFICE.**

_Where Leo is talking to **Mr****s ****Landingham.**_

**LEO: **Do you really think I need this right now?

**MRS LANDINGHAM: **I'm just looking out for you, Mr McGarry.

**LEO: **Its a conspiracy!

**MRS LANDINGHAM: **It is not.

**LEO: **A conspiracy of two. You and Margaret.

**MRS LANDINGHAM:** You're being paranoid.

**LEO: **Charlie, do you think its right that two overly-pushy women are trying to dictate just how much potassium the White House Chief of Staff takes in on a daily basis?

**CHARLIE: **The president's ready for you.

**LEO: **Thanks.

**CHARLIE: **Are you brushed up on your_ "everything every president has ever said"_ trivia?

**LEO: **Excuse me?

**CHARLIE: **Nevermind.

_Leo enters:_

**INT. THE OVAL OFFICE.**

_The president's up on his feet, stacking some files._

**BARTLET: **Leo, do you think I've gone too easy on Charlie?

**LEO: **Too easy?

**BARTLET: **He's starting to get quippy.

**LEO: **I think you bring it out in people, sir.

**BARTLET: **Now _you're_ getting quippy.

**LEO: **Always have been. You just never listen to me.

**BARTLET:** Wonder why. What's up?

**LEO: **We've hit a bit of a roadblock with the Energy Bill.

**BARTLET:** Don't tell me that.

**LEO: **You don't want to be kept in the loop?

**BARTLET:** What's the problem?

**LEO: **Josh.

**BARTLET:** What did he do now?

**LEO: **Its complicated.

**BARTLET: **When is it _not_ complicated?

**LEO: **That's a good question.

**BARTLET: **Here's another good question... Which president said, "The government is best which governs the least, because it's people discipline themselves"?

**LEO: **So this is what Charlie meant.

**BARTLET: **Charlie tried to warn you off?

**LEO: **He tried. I didn't listen. I regret that now.

**BARTLET:** Who said it?

**LEO:** I don't know.

**BARTLET:** You don't know?

**LEO: **Are you going to make a big deal about this?

**BARTLET: **You're the White House Chief of Staff!

**LEO: **Obscure presidential trivia wasn't on the job application.

**BARTLET: **It should have been.

**LEO: **Sir...

**BARTLET: **I bet Charlie will know.

**LEO:** Don't call-

**BARTLET** _(calls out): Charlie!_

_Leo sighs. The door opens and Charlie pops his head in._

**CHARLIE: **Sir?

**BARTLET: **Which president said, "The government is best which governs the least, because it's people discipline themselves"?

**CHARLIE:** Thomas Jefferson, sir.

**BARTLET:** See? Charlie knows.

**LEO: **I'm duly impressed.

**BARTLET:** Charlie has discipline.

**LEO: **Thank you, Charlie.

_Charlie nods, ducks out._

**BARTLET: **Nevermind the rest of the country, why can't my staff discipline themselves? What did Josh do now?

**LEO: **He was on vacation. He was in a country-western bar and he was wearing cowboy boots. A video of him got posted on the Internet.

**BARTLET: **There was a camera crew there?

**LEO: **The video was taken with a cellphone.

**BARTLET: **You can do that now?

**LEO: **The level of your technical ineptitude is staggering, sir.

**BARTLET: **Tacking the word "sir" on the end of a sentence doesn't really disguise the fact that it's an insult.

**LEO: **Who says I was trying to disguise it?

**BARTLET; **So what's the problem?

**LEO: **He got served. In California, you're not allowed to wear cowboy boots unless you on at least two cows.

**BARTLET: **We haven't repealed that law yet?

**LEO: **Its a state thing.

**BARTLET: **There's no way this came from California.

**LEO: **No, sir.

**BARTLET: **You think someone's targeting Josh so they can torpedo the Bill?

**LEO: **That's the consensus.

**BARTLET:** Get Josh in here.

**There's a knock at the door.**

**BARTLET (CONT'D)** _(calls out): _Come!

_Charlie enters._

**CHARLIE: **Josh, Toby, Sam, CJ and Ainsley.

**BARTLET: **The timing is uncanny.

**LEO:** Send 'em in.

_Charlie nods, exits. A second later, Josh, Toby, Sam, CJ and Ainsley enter._

**GROUP:** Evening, Mr President.

**BARTLET:** What's happening?

**JOSH: **Ainsley and I met with her godfather.

**BARTLET:** Who's her godfather?

**AINSLEY:** Congressman Clampton, sir.

**BARTLET: **Really?

**AINSLEY: **Yes, sir.

**BARTLET: **Really?

**AINSLEY: **Yes, sir.

**BARTLET: **You really are a Republican, aren't you?

**AINSLEY: **Yes, sir.

**BARTLET: **Well, we can't all be perfect. What did he say?

**JOSH: **I don't think he had anything to do with it.

**LEO: **You sure?

**JOSH: **He's still pretty ticked at me, but I don't think he's attacking me or the Bill.

**SAM: **White House Counsel thinks the case will get laughed out of court.

**CJ: **Well, _that's_ not the point.

**SAM:** I know that.

**CJ: **All the press needs is a picture of Josh in front of a judge. In fact, if the judge is laughing, that just makes it better.

**LEO: **So, we're nowhere?

**TOBY: **I think it's Rollins.

**BARTLET: **What makes you say that?

**TOBY: **Something he said when I met with him.

**SAM:** What did he say?

**TOBY: **That if we try to shove Article 43 down his throat, he's going to do a lot worse than he's already done.

**LEO: **No.

**TOBY:** Yeah.

**LEO: **He said that?

**TOBY: **Yeah.

**BARTLET: **It's basically a confession.

**AINSLEY:** Not legally.

**JOSH: **This is the White House. We don't concern ourselves with legality.

**AINSLEY: **I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that, cowboy.

**LEO: **What do you want to do, sir?

**BARTLET: **Get Rollins in here.

**LEO: **Sir, I don't think you should involve yourself personally.

**BARTLET: **You don't think this is personal?

**CJ: **Well, no, sir. Its about an Energy Bill.

**BARTLET: **CJ, the Senate Majority Leader's taken it upon himself to openly attack one of my most senior advisers, as a thinly-veiled warning to me. Believe me, I take that very personally.

**CJ: **Yes, sir.

**BARTLET: **Get him in here. Now.

**LEO: **Yes, sir.

_They start to file out. Ainsley leans in to whisper to Josh._

**AINSLEY: **What's going to happen now?

**JOSH: **Fireworks.

COMMERCIAL BREAK


	10. The Code

**INT****.****OFFIC****E****AREA.**

_Donna's at her desk, typing up a memo. She hears a thump. She pauses, looks up, nothing. As she starts typing again, she hears another thump. She glances over her shoulder, scowling. She valiantly tries to keep typing, but the thumping gets louder and more frequent._

**DONNA: **Josh!

_No answer, except more thumping. Donna shoots off her chair. She crosses to Josh's office and throws it open. She shrieks, and ducks, as a yellow ball shoots over her head and hits a staffer in the head._

**STAFFER: **Ow!

_Donna glares at Josh, steps into:_

**INT****.****JOSH'****S****OFFICE.**

_And closes the door._

**DONNA: **Where did you get the ball?

**JOSH: **Toby gave it to me.

**DONNA: **So, Toby goes on the list.

**JOSH: **What list?

**DONNA: **I have a hit list.

**JOSH: **You have a hit list?

**DONNA: **Sure I do.

**JOSH: **And who's on this hit list?

**DONNA: **People that have wronged me.

**JOSH: **Huh... how many times do I appear on this list?

**DONNA: **You really wanna know?

**JOSH: **No.

**DONNA: **What are you doing?

**JOSH: **I'm trying to figure out how we up the provision in Article 43.

**DONNA: **I thought that was impossible.

**JOSH: **It is.

**DONNA: **So why are you still stressing yourself over it?

**JOSH: **Because the president told us to.

**DONNA: **I have a man on the door. He'll let me know when Rollins gets here.

**JOSH: **You have a man on the door?

**DONNA: **Yeah.

**JOSH: **You have a man on the door, and a hit list? Who do you think you are? Michael Corleone?

**DONNA: **Who?

**JOSH: **You're kidding.

**DONNA: **What?

**JOSHL **I'm saying, you're kidding.

**DONNA: **Why?

**JOSH: **Gonna try "When" and "How" next?

**DONNA: **Who's Michael Corleone?

**JOSH:** You're kidding!

**DONNA: **This has been a long day!

CUT TO:

**INT****.****AINSLEY'****S****OFFICE.**

_Ainsley'__s __a__t __he__r __des__k __- __whic__h __i__s __pile__d __hig__h __wit__h __file__s __and notes__. __He__r __offic__e __i__s __th__e __Stea__m __Trun__k __Distributio__n __Venue__, __and it'__s __dan__k __an__d __dark__, __wit__h __th__e __ligh__t __o__f __he__r __P__C __glowin__g __o__n __her face__. __She'__s __starin__g __a__t __th__e __scree__n __wit__h __a __dull__, __glazed__, __slack-jawe__d __look__. __She'__s __go__t __a __penci__l __i__n __betwee__n __he__r __middl__e __and __inde__x f__ingers__, __tappin__g __i__t __agains__t __th__e __woo__d __o__f __th__e __desk._

**SA****M****(O.S.): **Wow.

_Ainsley looks up, spots Sam standing in the doorway._

**AINSLEY: **Huh?

**SAM**: You look-

**AINSLEY:** What?

**SAM:** Er...

**AINSLEY **_(unimpressed): _What?

**SAM: **No, I was just going to say...

**AINSLEY** _(dangerous): _WHAT?

**SAM: **Busy?

**AINSLEY: **Do I look busy?

**SAM: **No. In fact, that's what I was gonna say. You don't look busy.

**AINSLEY: **You see these files?

_Sh__e __wave__s __th__e __penci__l __a__t __th__e __file__s __o__n __th__e __desk._

**SAM: **Higher than the pile on my desk.

**AINSLEY: **Briefing notes, depositions, drafts and service stats - all of them due yesterday.

**SAM:** Blowing 'em off?

**AINSLEY: **I'm thinking what's the point?

**SAM: **In what? Doing your job?

**AINSLEY: **They're going to have a field day with this.

**SAM: **Who? The Republicans?

**AINSLEY: **Yeah. They're going to have a field day, Sam.

**SAM: **Yeah.

**AINSLEY: **They're going to roll out a legislative agenda so conservative Queen Victoria would've balked at it.

**SAM: **I know.

**AINSLEY: **They're going to deliver a legislative agenda so conservative, the Speaker's going to propose it wearing petticoats and a corset.

_Sa__m __giggles._

**AINSLE****Y****(CONT'D):** You think this is funny?

**SAM: **The image of Harold Winstock wearing petticoats and a corset? Yeah, it's giggle-inducing.

**AINSLEY: **I hate it.

**SAM: **The image of Harold Winstock wearing...?

**AINSLEY: **No! The fact that it's _my_ party!

**SAM: **The Republican Party?

**AINSLEY: **Yes, Sam! God, you're slow today!

**SAM: **Is that why you declared your love for Josh?

**AINSLEY: **He declared his love for me.

**JOS****H****(O.S.):** Yes, I did.

_Sa__m __spin__s __round__. __Jos__h __stride__s __int__o __th__e __room._

**JOS****H****(CONT'D)** _(t__o __Sam): _Why are you sneaking down to see my girlfriend?

**SAM: **I didn't sneak.

**AINSLEY: **And I'm not your girlfriend.

**JOSH: **There is a code among men, Sam!

**SAM:** I know that.

**AINSLEY: **And I'm not your girlfriend!

**SAM: **I didn't sneak.

**JOSH: **The code dictates that a man will not encroach upon the stated territory of a-

**AINSLEY** _(cut __s__in): _Territory?

**JOSH: **-fellow man. Without this code, we are reduced to the level of cavemen.

**SAM: **And I agree with you.

**AINSLEY: **You're acting like cavemen right now!

_Sa__m __an__d __Jos__h __tur__n __t__o __loo__k __a__t __her._

**JOSH: **Did you say something?

**AINSLEY:** Oh, dear God...

**SAM: **I didn't hear anything.

**AINSLEY: **Do either of you actually want something, or are you just taking in the Caribbean-like atmosphere - or at least humidity - in my office?

**SAM** _(t__o __Josh): _Did you want something?

**JOSH:** No. Did you?

**SAM: **No.

**AINSLEY: **Then what are you doing here?

**JOSH: **I'm just kicking around. Waiting for Donna to call.

**SAM:** About what?

**JOSH: **Word from her guy.

**SAM:** Donna has a guy?

**JOSH: **She does.

**AINSLEY: **Why are you waiting for a call from Donna's guy?

**JOSH: **He's... I dunno... he's watching the front gate with a pair of binoculars, or something, and he's going to let us know when Rollins gets here.

**AINSLEY:** This is ridiculous.

**JOSH: **You don't wanna know?

**AINSLEY: **Of course I do. But there's an easier way.

**SAM: **How?

**AINSLEY: **We'll hear screaming coming from the Oval Office.

**SAM: **Can't argue with that.

**JOSH: **There's gotta be a way we can fix this.

**AINSLEY:** There isn't.

**JOSH:** There has to be.

**AINSLEY: **To fix anything, you'll need a DeLorean so you can go back in time and commit voter fraud to make sure your team takes Congress and not just the Electoral College, thereby giving the president a mandate.

_Silence__. __Jos__h __an__d __Sa__m __jus__t __star__e __a__t __her._

**AINSLE****Y****(CONT'D): **What?

**SAM: **You know what a DeLorean is?

**AINSLEY: **Yeah.

**JOSH: **You're a... _Bac__k __t__o __th__e __Futur__e _fan?

**AINSLEY: **Yeah.

**JOS****H ****& ****SAM **_(perfec__t __timing):_ Marry me!

**AINSLEY:** Guys! Focus!

_Ainsley'__s __phon__e __rings__. __Sh__e __roll__s __he__r __eyes__, __pick__s __i__t __up._

**AINSLE****Y****(CONT'D):** Ainsley Hayes...

_Jos__h __an__d __Sa__m __tur__n __away__, __giv__e __he__r __som__e __privacy._

**SAM: **You can't ask her to marry you.

**JOSH: **Why not?

**SAM:** Coz I am.

**JOSH: **Do we need to go over the code again?

**SAM:** Screw the code!

**JOSH:** _Screw_ the _cod__e_?

**AINSLEY** _(behin__d __them): _Wait! Say that again!

_Jos__h __an__d __Sa__m __tur__n __bac__k __t__o __her__, __frowning._

**SAM: **Who is it?

**AINSLEY **_(hold__s __han__d __ove__r __receiver): _Uncle Jeff.

**JOSH: **What does he want?

**AINSLEY: **If you'll let me talk to him, I'll find out.

_Jos__h __hold__s __u__p __hi__s __hands__. __The__n __hi__s __phon__e __rings._

**SAM: **Is that-?

**JOSH:** I dunno.

**SAM: **Is that Donna's-?

**JOSH: **I dunno.

**SAM:** So answer!

**JOSH: **Okay.

_Jos__h __fishe__s __ou__t __hi__s __cellphone__, __answers._

**JOS****H****(CONT'D): **Yeah

_(h__e __listen__s __fo__r __a __while)_

Thanks.

_Jos__h __end__s __th__e __call._

**SAM: **And...?

**JOSH: **He's here.

CUT TO:


	11. The Right Thing To Do

**INT****. ****LE****O ****MCGARRY'****S ****OFFICE.**

_Leo's leaning against the edge of his desk. Toby's in a seat by the door._

**TOBY: **Its two years ago all over again.

**LEO: **Yeah.

**TOBY: **A battle against a right-wing agenda put forth purely out of political spite instead of idealistic differences.

**LEO: **I know.

**TOBY: **Its two years ago all over again.

**LEO: **Toby...

**TOBY: **I don't know if we can get up for it this time, Leo.

**LEO: **Why not? Because this time we're not the ones who picked the fight?

**TOBY: **We didn't pick the fight. We won't pick the battleground. We'll just be the ones standing there taking fire, while our first term drains into the kind of muck we won't be able to extricate ourselves from come November.

**LEO: **I don't believe that.

**TOBY: **You're annoyingly optimistic, you know that?

**LEO: **That's because I'm older and wiser.

**TOBY: **Isn't age supposed to make you cynical?

**LEO: **Only if you let it.

_Margaret knocks and enters._

**MARGARET: **Mrs Landingham called. Senator Rollins is in the OB.

**LEO:** Thanks Margaret.

_Margaret nods, exits. Leo stands, straightening his jacket. Toby stands up too._

**TOBY: **You want me to go in with you?

**LEO: **No. I don't want any of you guys in the room.

**TOBY: **We can handle ourselves, Leo.

**LEO: **Like you said, they're gonna start shooting at us-

**TOBY: **And I want to be standing next to you when they do.

**LEO: **No.

_Leo heads for the door, opens it. Toby turns away._

**LE****O****(CONT'D): **Toby?

**TOBY:** Yeah?

**LEO: **Thanks.

_Toby nods. Leo goes through the door, opens another across the corridor and enters:_

**INT****. ****TH****E ****OVA****L ****OFFICE.**

_President Bartlet's standing behind his desk, making a few notes. He doesn't look up when Leo enters._

**BARTLET: **He's here.

**LEO: **Margaret just told me.

**BARTLET:** Bring him in.

_Leo doesn't move, looks hesitant. Bartlet looks up._

**BARTLE****T****(CONT'D):** Leo, bring him in.

**LEO: **Mr President...

**BARTLET: **What?

**LEO: **Are you planning on telling me just what you're going to say to him?

**BARTLET: **What are you? My mother?

**LEO: **Look, I'm not necessarily against bringing the Majority Leader in, or a good spanking, but-

**BARTLET: **I have it under control, Leo.

**LEO:** Do you, sir?

**BARTLET: **What's that supposed to mean?

**LEO: **There are a lot of things that make you lose your temper-

**BARTLET:** I have never-

**LEO: **But by far the most potent is someone coming after a member of your family, or your team. You tend to get crazy when that happens.

**BARTLET: **Leo. Do I look crazy?

**LEO: **No.

**BARTLET: **Then bring him in.

_Leo hesitates for another second, then sighs and nods._

**LEO: **Yes, sir. _(calls out)_ Charlie!

_Door opens, and Charlie steps in._

**CHARLIE: **Yes?

**LEO: **Send him in.

_Charlie nods, disappears for a second. Then Senator Rollins steps through, looking smug and also - underneath the smile - more than a little angry._

**ROLLINS: **Leo.

**LEO: **Senator.

_They shake hands. Rollins turns to Bartlet, who extends his hand._

**BARTLET: **Cliff.

**ROLLINS: **Jed.

_Bartlet freezes, the smile on his face tightening almost imperceptibly. Then he steps back._

**BARTLET: **Cliff, do me a favour... Look down at the carpet.

**ROLLINS: **Excuse me?

**BARTLET: **The carpet. Take a look.

_Rollins looks down._

**BARTLE****T****(CONT'D):** What do you see?

**ROLLINS:** Its a seal.

**BARTLET: **That is correct. The seal of-?

_Rollins doesn't answer, just glances at Leo, who's no help._

**BARTLE****T****(CONT'D):** Now, let's try that again.

_He holds out his hand. Looking like he's pulling teeth, Rollins shakes._

**ROLLINS:** Evening, Mr President.

**BARTLET:** That's better. _(beat)_ Sit down!

_Rollins takes a seat. Leo sits too. The president's worked up, though, and remains standing._

**BARTLE****T****(CONT'D): **Cliff, I brought you in here, so I could ask you one question - and one question only.

**ROLLINS: **Sir?

**BARTLET: **Where the hell do you get off?

**ROLLINS:** Excuse me, sir?

**BARTLET: **I said - where the hell do you get off? Going after Josh Lyman in some hackneyed attempt to embarrass me, with a stunt that - I'm sorry - might as well have been lifted straight out of a script for the _Duke__s __o__f __Hazar__d_!

**ROLLINS: **Sir, there is absolutely no proof that I had anything-

**BARTLET: **Ah! When a politician starts talking about proof, that's how you know he's guilty. _(beat) _Leo, write that down.

**LEO: **Got it.

**BARTLET: **Where do you get off, Cliff?

**ROLLINS: **Did you bring me in here to scold me, Mr President? Because, need I remind _you_ that while this is the Oval Office and you are the president, I am the leader of my party, and the senate, and I do not have to sit here and take it.

**BARTLET: **Oh, you're going to sit here, alright. Unless you think you can shove your way past five dress Marines and the Secret Service! Rollins leaps to his feet.

**ROLLINS: **Are you threatening me?

**BARTLET: **Sit down.

**ROLLINS: **How dare you? I am a member of-

**BARTLET** _(yells)_: Cliff! SIT DOWN!

_Charged silence as Rollins and Bartlet glare at each other. Then, with extreme effort, Rollins retakes his seat._

**LEO: **Okay, now that the niceties are out of the way...

**BARTLET: **Cliff, which president said, "It is the responsibility of the citizens to support their government. It is not the responsibility of the government to support its citizens"?

_Rollins blinks, confused. Leo sighs, and hangs his head._

**LEO** _(mutters)_: Not this again...

**ROLLINS: **Excuse me?

**BARTLET: **I said, which president-?

**ROLLINS: **It was Grover Cleveland.

**BARTLET: **So explain to me, Cliff, why you make it your life's work to oppose everything this office tries to do?

**ROLLINS: **I don't think that's true.

**BARTLET: **Resolution 872 isn't a liberal law, Cliff. Its a necessary one. So says every scientist working on global warming today! _(beat) _Yet here you are, resorting to cheap political stunts to block any progress on this country's part in the fight to reverse the effects of global warming.

**ROLLINS: **I have constituents to think of.

**BARTLET: **No you have money to think of.

**ROLLINS: **I don't-

**BARTLET: **You're blocking 872 because a congressman, a senator and a governor from Michigan told you to.

**ROLLINS:** That's not true.

**BARTLET: **You were elected by the good people of Arkansas! What are you doing cow-towing to the demands of the Motown 3?

**ROLLINS:** Mr President-

**BARTLET: **When you came in here, you announced that you are the Senate Majority Leader and the frontman of your party, so my question to you, Cliff, is this... When did you become such a pansy-ass?

_Rollins' face turns beet-red. Even Leo looks shocked. Bartlet stands firm, clearly fuming. Knock at the door._

**BARTLE****T****(CONT'D)**_ (calls out): _Come!

_Charlie enters._

**CHARLIE: **Sorry to interrupt, but, Leo, Ainsley and the rest of the staff are out here. Ainsley says she needs to see you.

**LEO: **We're kinda busy right now, Charlie.

**CHARLIE: **I know. But she says it's important.

**LEO** _(nods, stands): _Sir, can you excuse me?

_Bartlet nods, and Leo heads off._

**BARTLET: **Charlie, send in the rest of the staff.

**CHARLIE: **Yes, sir.

_Charlie ducks out. A couple of seconds later, he comes back in with Josh, Toby, Sam and CJ. They take up various points around the room._

**BARTLET: **Guys, you all know Senator Rollins.

**SAM: **Yes, sir.

**C****J****/****JOSH:** Senator.

**BARTLET: **I'm about to propose something to the good senator that's going to cause him to flip his lid, and I want you here to counter any arguments he might have.

**TOBY: **A proposal, sir?

**BARTLET: **First, let's get this agenda of yours out of the way, shall we, Cliff?

_Just then, Ainsley and Leo enter. Bartlet meets Leo's eye. Leo just smiles. Bartlet nods. Ainsley takes up station in the back of the room._

**BARTLE****T****(CONT'D): **What was it you told Toby when he met with you today?

**ROLLINS: **Excuse me?

**BARTLET: **When you met with Toby today. What did you say to him?

**ROLLINS: **I don't remember exactly-

**TOBY: **That if we try to shove Article 43 down your throat, you're going to do a lot worse than you've already done.

**BARTLET: **That sound about right there, Cliff?

**ROLLINS** _(finds his spine):_ Yes! _(stands) _And I meant it, too! You want to know if I'm the one responsible for Josh getting sent up, then yes, I am. And I'm not afraid to admit it. You know why?

**LEO: **Oh, please enlighten us.

**ROLLINS: **Because pulling me in here for a meeting in the middle of the night - trying to intimidate me - isn't going to work. It isn't going to change the fact that we _are_ in the majority in the senate. That your budget - from national defense to your secretary's paperclips - has to go through us. So, yes, I did it. And I'll put him in front of a judge that'll send him up for real time unless you get this preposterous Bill off the table!

**AINSLEY** _(mutters): _God...

**BARTLET: **Ainsley, did you say something?

**AINSLEY: **No, sir.

**BARTLET: **Yes, you did.

**AINSLEY:** I'm sorry, sir.

**BARTLET: **Don't be sorry. Say what you want to say.

**AINSLEY: **It's the arrogance that gets to me, sir!

**BARTLET:** Whose arrogance?

**AINSLEY: **Senator Rollins, I know what you think of this White House...

**JOSH: **Is that, like, your catchphrase? _This_ White House?

**AINSLEY: **When my friends and I used to sit around and discuss this administration-

**SAM: **As young, attractive people are wont to do.

**AINSLEY: **We used to rail against the perceived smugness. The arrogance. The feeling that everyone who works here is so entitled!

**CJ: **That's what you thought of us?

**AINSLEY: **Yes.

**CJ: **And why did we hire you again?

**AINSLEY: **But you know what I realized? That at least this White House is trying to get something done. While our party, Mr Leader - and yes, I am still a card-carrying Republican - our party is the one that is so arrogant it believes it has the right to block decent legislation because it can't get over the fact that President Bartlet wiped the floor with our candidate in the last election!

**ROLLINS** _(fuming)_: Ainsley, that is the last time you speak to me like that.

**AINSLEY: **Even worse, it's acting out of abject fear that he's going to do the same thing in the next one!

**ROLLINS: **Your father, and your godfather, are good friends of mine, and that is the only reason I'm tolerating your presence right now!

**BARTLET: **There's another reason. She's a member of the White House Counsel's Office, and one of my most trusted advisors. So the only reason she's tolerating _your_ presence right now is because I asked you here!

_Rollins turns on the spot, glaring at each one of them in turn._

**ROLLINS:** This is a gang bust.

**BARTLET: **Do you need back-up? By all means... _(to Charlie) _Charlie, is the Leader's staff in the Mural Room?

**CHARLIE:** The Roosevelt Room.

**ROLLINS: **That isn't necessary.

**BARTLET **_(ignores him, still to Charlie)_: Why don't you show them in here so the Leader doesn't feel quite so lonely?

**ROLLINS: **I said, that isn't necessary, _sir_!

**BARTLET: **Spell out your agenda.

**ROLLINS: **Excuse me?

**BARTLET: **The _'much worse than you've already done'_ - that plan you're going to come back at us with. Spell it out for me.

**ROLLINS** _(splutters)_: Well... it's... it's very... comprehensive, and...

**BARTLET: **No matter. We know it already. Josh, their first salvo?

**JOSH: **English as the national language.

**BARTLET: **English as the national language! That's your first move, right? Rolling out English as the national language and forcing me to veto it, thereby costing me the Midwest in the next election. In your mind, anyway.

**ROLLINS: **Fine. You wanna play it like this, then yes. That's first up. English as the national language.

**BARTLET:** No, its not.

**ROLLINS: **Excuse me? You just said-

**BARTLET: **I know what I said, but you're not going to do it. Because if you do, you might gain the Midwest, but you'll lose the second largest voter block in the United States. That's the Latino vote, in case you didn't know. _(beat) _So there goes Florida, there goes California, there goes Texas and New Mexico and you just sewed up my re-election for me. Thank you very much for that, Cliff. _(beat) _What's next?

_Silence. Rollins grits his teeth._

**BARTLE****T****(CONT'D):** Josh, you wanna help him out?

**JOSH:** Gay rights.

**BARTLET: **Oh, yes! That's another banner one with your constituents, isn't it? _(beat) _You're familiar with Walter Nagle, aren't you?

_Suddenly, Rollins looks like he wants to choke._

**BARTLE****T****(CONT'D):** How about Jonathan Trott?

**ROLLINS:** They're... they're...

**BARTLET: **You're looking a bit under the weather there, senator. Is it because Walter Nagle and Jonathan Trott are senior members of your own party, representing Missouri and Tennessee, two of the most conservative states in the nation, and they got married in a secret ceremony in Canada? A lovely wedding, I understand. You were there. You gave them a gravy boat.

_The staff all throw shocked glances at each other._

**ROLLINS:** How...? How did you...?

**BARTLET: **The FBI has me on speed dial, senator. _(beat) _What's next?

**SAM:** School prayer.

**BARTLET: **That's an easy one. Separation of church and state. What I'm basically going to do is take the Constitution and beat you over the head with it. _(beat) _What's next?

**TOBY:** School vouchers.

**BARTLET: **I'm going to pump tens of millions of dollars into the NEA to fund documentarians willing to go into our inner-city public schools to capture on video the fact that they resemble not so much schools, as war zones. And then I'm going to put them on the national broadcasting system in a loop until every parent and potential parent will come down on my side of school vouchers. _(beat) _What's next?

**AINSLEY: **Sir?

**BARTLET: **Yes, Ainsley.

**AINSLEY: **I think I have the nail, sir.

**BARTLET: **I'm sorry, the what?

**AINSLEY: **The nail.

**JOSH: **You broke a nail?

**AINSLEY: **I didn't _break_ a nail. I _have_ the nail.

**JOSH: **What nail?

**AINSLEY: **The one for his coffin! _(beat)_ You know, the final nail in his coffin...

**JOSH: **You have to work on your references before we write our vows.

**AINSLEY: **Speaking of weddings, senator, you had a lovely ceremony. I know. My godfather has a copy of the wedding video. You, and your wife, Laura, were paraded through the town square on the back of a four horse carriage.

**SAM: **Really?

**JOSH: **A four horse carriage?

**TOBY: **Can anybody here spell pretentious?

**ROLLINS: **What is your point, Ainsley?

**AINSLEY: **Did you know that in Arkansas, its illegal to collar horses for any use other than plowing a field? _(beat) _And, being Arkansas, the penalty is rather severe. I'm sure that as Arkansas' representative to the Senate, you'll want to show that you, of all people, will stand by the laws of your great state, and thusly present yourself for prosecution.

_Silence rings out like a bell. Rollins looks caught in the headlights. The staff struggle to keep victorious smirks off their faces._

**ROLLINS:** How did you-?

**AINSLEY: **Uncle Jeff just called me. He's a vicious fighter, but he'd like to win on the issues, not as a result of a cheap trick.

**ROLLINS: **I- I...

**BARTLET:** Cliff?

**ROLLINS: **I'll see to it that the charges against Josh are dropped.

**BARTLET: **Good. That's got that little issue out of the way.

**JOSH: **I'm sorry. _Little_ issue?

**BARTLET:** Now... Article 43.

**ROLLINS **_(through gritted teeth)_: Yes, _sir_.

**BARTLET: **To preface this, I'm going to quote a member of your own party, senator. _(beat) _"What kind of nation we will be, what kind of world we will live in, whether we shape the future in the image of our hopes, is ours to determine by our actions and our choices." _(beat) _Who said that? _(when Rollins doesn't respond) _Charlie? Wanna help him out.

**CHARLIE:** Richard Nixon, sir.

**BARTLET: **Richard Nixon. That's right. _(beat) _At six o'clock tomorrow, I'm sending Resolution 872 to the floor of the House, with an amendment to Article 43 of said Resolution.

**ROLLINS: **Yes, a 30% reduction. I know.

**BARTLET: **No.

**ROLLINS: **What?

**BARTLET: **I'm proposing a 35% reduction.

**ROLLINS:** Mr President...

**BARTLET:** A 35% reduction.

**ROLLINS:** Mr President!

**BARTLET: **And you are going to swallow it, Cliff. You know why?

**ROLLINS: **No, sir.

**BARTLET: **Not because I'll counter any legislative agenda you might throw at us, and not because we're both holding silly lawsuits over each other, and not because it'll be funny to see the faces of the Motown 3 when it passes.

**ROLLINS:** Then why, sir?

**BARTLET: **Because it's the right thing to do.

_Rollins seems to deflate in front of them. He looks at each of the staff in turn, lingering on Ainsley. Then he turns to the president._

**ROLLINS: **Fine. You have my vote.

**BARTLET:** Thank you, Cliff.

**ROLLINS:** Mr President.

_Bowing once, Rollins exits. The staff stare at each other for a long moment._

**LEO: **Well...

**TOBY: **That was...

**CJ: **Yeah.

**AINSLEY **_(to Bartlet)_: Can I say it, sir?

**BARTLET: **Excuse me?

**AINSLEY: **Can I say it?

**BARTLET: **After the little performance you just put on, Miss Hayes - feel free.

_Ainsley grins, and actually claps her hands._

**JOSH: **Gosh, you're too cute for words sometimes.

**AINSLEY:** You owe me, cowboy.

**JOSH:** Don't I know it.

**AINSLEY: **Okay, so I'm gonna say it.

**BARTLET: **Ainsley, could we possibly-?

**AINSLEY: **Yes, sir. _(turns to the rest of the staff, takes a deep breath)_ Okay... _(beat)_ What's next?

**SLA****M ****CU****T ****TO: **

**CLOSIN****G ****CREDITS.**


End file.
